Dave Birch’s ‘Decline and Fall Guy’: Chapter 4–Best and Worst

Featuring a new chapter each day, Consult Hyperion's David Birch takes you on a wild adventure through espionage, contactless payments and a man on the brink.

If you've missed the third chapter, go back and read it now!

Dave Birch's ‘Decline and Fall Guy': Chapter 4-Best and Worst

Chapter 4: Best and Worst.

I kicked back in my hotel room. Looking for some R’N'R time to myself, I grabbed the iPad and went to hook it up to the hotel’s 42-incher so that I could put my feet up and watch Jools Holland Guitar Heroes. Damn! I forgot my HDMI cable. I went up to 5th Avenue and found the Best Buy. I grabbed the cable and went to the desk. The tootsie at the terminal rang it up. I looked at the POS and saw the contactless symbol. I wanted to blend in. I figured, hey, who is gonna swipe when they could tap, so I got my Google Wallet out and went for it. Disaster. The cash commandos had got there first and… contactless not accepted. Please swipe card.

Card? What card? I didn’t use no card. The tootsie behind the terminal is giving me the up-and-down. But I got no lettuce, so I reached for my pocket and grabbed my Simple card again. The terminal asked me for a PIN. What PIN? What the hell were they talking about? I didn’t have time to think because the Best Buy broad threw me a curve ball.

“Is it a debit card?” she asks me, all innocent like.

Well, I was just about to tell her, not really. It’s processed through the Visa signature debit system, but the funds are drawn from a shadow pre-paid account because Simple itself isn’t a bank. But then I realised – that would might give too much away. Stupid. I could’ve blown my cover right there. I decided to disguise myself as a harmless idiot, so I mumbled back “don’t know”. She looked at the card – I saw her do it.

“If it’s a credit card, just hit cancel” she says.

No sign of the house dick. I was sure I wasn’t being followed. I hit cancel, sign on the screen and scram. None of this is making sense.

You can find out what happens next by visiting Total Payments tomorrow for Chapter 3: Black Beans. You can see other articles from Dave Birch in our archive.

Chapter 1: It's Terminal

Chapter 2: Mean Streets

Chapter 3: Black Beans

David Birch will be speaking at this year's Total Payments Europe – which is part of Europe's Customer Festival – so download the brochure to make sure you don't miss out this September.

This guest post was written by Consult Hyperion's David Birch, this is an adapted version of a post that has previously appeared at Chyp.com's blog.

[Image: Ben Heine - Flickr]

Find us on Google+

Leave a Comment

Current ye@r *